Home Adverts Recent Added Auction Scam Alerts Fishkeeping Forum List Your Ad ShopAds Videos Tropical Fish Aquariums & Equip Marine Fish & Marine Inverts Cichlids Malawi Tanganyikan Cichlids Wanted Discus Goldfish, Koi & Ponds Retailers & Services ALL ADS By County    Home      Reply     Viewed: 337 -- Replies: 29 PM | All Topics | General | Cichlids | Marine | Coldwater | Tanks/Equipment | Diseases | Members Posted NFR -Just for a laugh! 26-11-2007 09:30 by Linda Chenapa A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?' Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard. 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!' Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes .. ... but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?' but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. 'Where's that d___ monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts... Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bulls@$!% and brilliance only come with age and experience. 26-11-2007 20:07 by dave the wath Like it, any more where that came from? 26-11-2007 21:04 by Linda Chenapa It's Raining, It's Pouring. Oh s**t, it's Global Warming. Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties. He can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes. Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her thighs. Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front ...But she didn't wear that one often. Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread. Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass And grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing. Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy. 26-11-2007 21:07 by Linda Chenapa The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierand was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he cantake care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However,you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale." "That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!" "Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson." 26-11-2007 21:07 by tasha haha good ones linda! 26-11-2007 21:09 by Linda Chenapa Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook". And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred. 26-11-2007 21:11 by Linda Chenapa The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies" "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me" "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results" "My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London" "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with" "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "Tripod?????" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!" 26-11-2007 21:15 by Linda Chenapa A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me." 26-11-2007 21:27 by Linda Chenapa There were two cats that enjoyed running together. The first cat was english, called One-two-three. The other was french and called Un-deux-trois. One day when they were running they came to a huge river. The cats took a large run up and leapt as far as they could. Which cat drowned? 26-11-2007 21:27 by Linda Chenapa Un-deux-trois cat sank (un deux trois quatre cinq) 26-11-2007 21:28 by Linda Chenapa A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony." 26-11-2007 21:37 by Linda Chenapa A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed that she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles." 27-11-2007 15:00 by perky Barking cars, flying kebabs and other silly insurance claims. Lex was you the one that threw this. As well as animals, food seems to feature in a number of insurance claims. "As I was driving round a bend when one of the doors opened and a frozen kebab flew out, hitting and damaging a passing car," said one driver. Of course, kebabs are not the only foodstuff to cause a problem, chips - or at least potatoes - do as well. "I couldn't brake because a potato was lodged behind the brake," 27-11-2007 15:24 by perky "A frozen squirrel fell out of a tree and crashed through the windscreen on to the passenger seat," said one claimant. 27-11-2007 16:37 by Big Rob i reversed out of my drive into a tree that wasnt there earlier. the man i ran over admitted it was his fault as he had been ran over twice before 27-11-2007 17:03 by Big Rob a group of fishkeepers were sitting in a circle having a drink and a smoke .police later stated they/d smashed a dope ring 27-11-2007 18:23 by Linda Chenapa The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him. The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact. 27-11-2007 18:23 by Linda Chenapa I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle. When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car. I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle. I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before. I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intesection) 27-11-2007 18:23 by Linda Chenapa Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end. I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket. The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo. 27-11-2007 18:24 by Linda Chenapa No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert. I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke. The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week. Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo. No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened. I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way. The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 miniutes early. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk. The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind. I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard. 28-11-2007 15:35 by stevebrillo mad 28-11-2007 19:00 by dave the wath Steve absolutely, but nice though aint it 29-11-2007 00:09 by Linda Chenapa These are things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. A: 38 or 25, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: 45 years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Between milepost 498 and 500. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 29-11-2007 00:11 by Linda Chenapa Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. 29-11-2007 00:14 by Linda Chenapa What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. 29-11-2007 00:15 by Fry Lover 29-11-2007 00:16 by Linda Chenapa A bunch of funny extracts from letters to the Social Service I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died, which was baptized on half a sheet of paper. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any children for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it? Please for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living, but can't eat or do anything until he knows. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illertarate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my husband's money soon I will be forced to live an immoral life. You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference? I have no children as yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night. In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't change, I will have to send for another doctor. Please tell me what feminine hygene is because I think I have it. 29-11-2007 00:17 by Fry Lover 29-11-2007 00:26 by Linda Chenapa A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined. "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" Oh my gaaad...", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the *** left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!!!!!" 29-11-2007 00:28 by Linda Chenapa Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out the English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomolies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations. In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using "s" instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard "c" could be replaced by "k" sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it would be announsed that the troublesome "ph" would henseforth be written "f." This would make words like "fotograf" twenty persent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing "th" by "z." Perhaps zen ze funktion of "w" kould be taken on by "v," vitsh is, after al, half a "w." Shortly after zis, ze unesesary "o" kould be dropd from vords kontaining "ou." Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali have kum tru. NEW REPLIES ARE NOW CLOSED ON THIS FORUM We invite you to join the NEW Aquarist Classifieds Fishkeeping Forum HERE Your contributions to this forum are greatly appreciated. This forum will be retained in archive status for reference. Adverts Previous Fish Biz Sitemap Links All Sponsor Clubs Webmaster Our Sponsors ShopAds Visits

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